Sad day.

Today is definitely a sad day. For anyone reading this, please go home and hug your loved ones. Let them know that you love them and cherish this moment in time.

We've just surpassed the halfway point for the deployment and we've certainly been celebrating this milestone. We've started counting down rather than counting up, and it feels amazing. That is, until today.

I hadn't heard from Mr. S in about a week, so when I got a message from him today I was ecstatic, until he told me that he had something important to tell me. Naturally, I stopped cold and began to panic. Had he been hurt? Was something wrong?

As it turns out, we lost a cherished soldier yesterday. He was a well respected man and his wife and I have become friends through the deployment.  He leaves behind two young boys as well. I am deeply saddened for her. She has dedicated her whole life to this man, to this life and now it has all been taken from her. She didn't deserve this. Her kids didn't deserve this. While we're all still counting down the days until our husbands will come home, her countdown has dissolved right before her eyes, and I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. 

Mr. S is upset. We were able to Skype for a little and talk about it. I think this genuinely frightened him. Since Simon has been serving, I've never seen fear in his eyes before today. The war is much more of a reality for both of us now. We're both that much more anxious for the deployment to be over and for him to be home safe with me again.

For privacy reasons, I don't want to give out the soldier's name, but please keep his family in your prayers. They could use all the prayers and warm wishes you can spare.

Surprise!!!

Just when I need it the most, he always seems to make me smile. Look at what showed up at my door today!

Mr. Fluffs is not so thrilled about our new friend, but I LOVE him!

Yes, that is in fact a 7 foot teddy bear. I woke up this morning to the doorbell ringing. When I finally got my bum down the stairs to answer the door, all that was there was a rather large package. I say large, but it was only about 1/3 of the size of it's contents! There was no note, so I popped that sucker open quickly like a kid at Christmas to find out what was inside. I found a very peculiar orangey colored something vacuum sealed in plastic. Of course, being the impatient nut that I am, I tore open the plastic and the mysterious contents began to grow and grow and GROW until it towered over my 5'3" frame. I realized that it was a giant teddy bear and could not stop laughing. That man new just how to make my day and show me how much he missed me.

So now, my bear and I (who I have affectionately named Bradley) are going to snuggle up in a bed that no longer feels empty and dream of my love coming home to me.

I'm amazing!

So sorry that I haven't been posting much. I've been so darn busy being awesome!

I've completely changed my life for the better. Apparently, all I needed was a little challenge thrown at me to get me wake up and realize how comfortable I had gotten with being miserable. I don't want to be miserable! I want to be happy and healthy and amazing!

Well, I've been working hard. I am happy to report that I am down almost 20lbs. I'm working towards my certification to become a group fitness instructor. I am running a Mud Run in 10 days. Eek! I also just signed up for my local half marathon in a few months. Whoohoo! 

On top of that, my relationship is better than ever with my husband. I was finally able to realize that I was holding it against him that I couldn't talk to him despite knowing that it wasn't his fault. It was hard not knowing anything that he's doing, but I've sort of gotten used to the fact that I won't know what he was doing until he gets home. He's been making an extra effort to talk to me when he can, and we seem to have found our spark again. 

In a strange way, I feel blessed to have this deployment. Not only was it a wake up call to me to get healthy again, but it has truly challenged my independence. I am confident now that I can handle anything that comes my way. Yes, I still have bad days and sometimes all it takes is a song on the radio to make me cry, but I'm happy, confident, and so in love. 

Thank you to all who have been supportive through this tough time. It's been amazing to get so many messages of encouragement, and some have truly brought tears to my eyes. We're just about halfway through this thing, and I think we're equipped to get through the next few months with no problems. 

Feeling disconnected

It's been about 6 weeks since he's been gone now. I've gotten into somewhat of a schedule and have been working hard to keep busy. The days seem to drag on, but the weeks go by quickly. I never understood that phrase until now.

That being said, I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband. His communication has been down, so I've only been hearing from him for about 15 minutes once a week. Needless to say, by the time we get the "I miss yous" and the necessary info out, our conversation time is just about up. While I'm glad to hear from him, I'm left feeling even more empty than I was before he called. Everyone tells me to be glad that I get to talk to him at all, and I am, but it still leaves me feeling so empty and alone, that I can't help but want more.

I don't even feel like we're a married couple anymore. As much as I love my husband, we're so out of sync right now, it's hard to remember what it's like when we're together. I have absolutely no idea what he's got going on in Afghanistan and he has no clue what things are like here at home. This just leads to a cycle of self pity and anger. I wonder sometimes if something is wrong with me that I feel this way. I know we had a rock solid relationship before he left, but now I feel like I barely know him, and this is only the beginning. We have so much longer than this to get through until it's all over.

I feel as though I've put up an emotional wall so that I don't break down. I've made a life for myself without my husband, and it's easy to forget what life is like with him, or how it will be when he gets home. It's the only way I knew how to get through life without my best friend by my side. Now, I'm afraid it's resulting in my feelings of disconnect.

I've been trying to remain optimistic, and I know that these feelings will pass when I finally do get to talk to him more, but it's hard not to feel withdrawn from it all.

Keeping Busy

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I've decided to jump into this deployment head on. I'm already on the board for my FRG (Family Readiness Group), but we only meet about once a month so it's not enough to keep my busy. God is good and presented me with an open position for a veterinary technician on post. If you have an extra prayer in you, please send it my way that I get hired. If I can't find a job, I swear I'm going to go crazy in this house all day.

I'm also joining the local YMCA. The gym on post is free, but there's still a charge for the classes and they don't offer any that interest me. I really only go to the gym for classes seeing as I have an elliptical at the house. Luckily, the YMCA gives a military discount, so whoohoo!

I'm so excited to get started in a routine, both work wise and fitness wise. I just need everything to fall into a nice and tidy schedule so that I don't notice how slow the days go by. Bring it on deployment, I'm ready for you now!

Thank God for my friends.

After my awful day yesterday, I had decided that I needed to be optimistic today and made a lunch date with a friend. I was hoping for an uneventful meal, but I have to admit that in the middle of it, I just completely broke down. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it's ok to be sad and there's no shame in crying and just let me vent.

 After a little ice cream and the realization that I do have at least a few really good friends here, I genuinely feel much better. I'm still sad and feeling especially lonely today, but knowing that there are people who not only completely understand what I'm going through but care enough about me to make sure I'm ok is comforting.

I also started flipping through a book that was given to me by the Christian Military Fellowship, titled "Faith Deployed...Again." I have to recommend this to any Christian military wives out there. It really is an amazing book with stories from wives as well as prayers to help you through your happiest and your toughest days. I decided to open to a random page and take whatever it said to heart. This is what it said:
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b)


I put my faith in Him to give me the strength to pick myself up and get on with life. So here's to tonight coming to an end and another day crossed off the calendar. Bring on tomorrow! It will be one day closer to him coming home to me.

Having a meltdown kind of day.

I honestly thought today was going to be a completely normal day. I had people coming over and plans to keep me busy. I never would have thought that I'd spend most of the day in tears.

He's only been gone about two weeks, but I think the fact that he's actually gone really hit me today. I've been so strong so far and haven't even really had a good cry until today. I'm sure I needed it, but now I just can't stop. Every emotion is coursing through me all at once, and I don't even know how to process it all.

 I feel so alone in this despite the fact that I know I'm not. I almost feel like because I've been so strong and everyone's so impressed with how I've composed myself thusfar, that I don't want to break down and expose all these feelings to anyone. I feel guilty that I feel so miserable and as though I would just be dragging everyone else down to express that misery. I can't burden my husband with what's going on. I know it would kill him that he's not here to bring me a hot cup of tea and let me cry it out in his arms. That's not fair to him at all, so I know I can't share how I feel with him. I have to be strong when he calls, but it's so hard.

I keep praying that if I just have a good cry that I'll be ok, but right now I don't even feel like that's possible. I know in my head that we'll get through this, but I just can't help but think this deployment is going to be so much more painful than I ever imagined.